The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
A man of commitment.
no!! no!!!!!!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
damn he’s good
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly