Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

Yoga Matt

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing: