The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
some Old Testament wisdom
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris