The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”


Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that


11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day


I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.


[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody


Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?


[shady back alley]

Hey kid, wanna smoke some salmon?



SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*