@SuperDuperDook

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

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@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@Darlainky

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

@OrangeFact

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

@Social_Mime

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

@Norsebysw

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

@Chumpstring

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude