The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope


Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.


I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.


I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.


Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.


On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.


Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.


Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.


GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude