The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….