Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
Also me: Not like that
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
[shady back alley]
Hey kid, wanna smoke some salmon?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*