@SuperDuperDook

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

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@joeljeffrey

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

@mommywhitfield

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

@Eithercryingor

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

@Stalker_Clown

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@kwirkyKerri

Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?

@writeden

[shady back alley]

Hey kid, wanna smoke some salmon?

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*