Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

That took me a moment.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Don’t make me out nice you.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine