[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
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Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father