[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
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my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55