[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
You Might Also Like
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
work smarter, not harder
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..