Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing