Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

bury ourselves

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??