The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Why do meteors always land in craters?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you