The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
There’s never enough good news
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no