The Last Dance just keeps getting better
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?