@ImFunnyMang

The last human alive will get no funeral.

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@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@fro_vo

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

@joeljeffrey

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

@TwinSurvivalist

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

@NicestHippo

If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online

@LostFelicia

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

@markleggett

Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.

@HousewifeOfHell

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

@mrjohndarby

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question