The last human alive will get no funeral.

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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara


I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.


Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:


If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online


Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..


Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.


Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.


My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.


doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question