@ImFunnyMang

The last human alive will get no funeral.

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@ShaunRightNow

I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

@thejessbess

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

@mom_tho

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

@Shade510

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@TheHyyyype

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

@jwoodham

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.