@ImFunnyMang

The last human alive will get no funeral.

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@InternetHippo

me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl

@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@Marlebean

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

@juliussharpe

The gun range is great practice for being attacked by a paper target.

@DatingLeah

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

@six_2_and_even

*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week

@UrMindBlown

What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?