I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
In case you needed to hear it:
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”