I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
The last human alive will get no funeral.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Alexa, avenge me.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.