me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl
The last human alive will get no funeral.
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The gun range is great practice for being attacked by a paper target.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week
What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?