If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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Alexa: *deep breath*
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Wait a minute…
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*