Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.