Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.

Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

😭😭😭

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.