The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
i think both sides are to blame here
