Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.