The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Breaking news:
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
🛁
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
