The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake