Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

[the middle of showering] I need a break

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!