The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*