Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about