[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.