[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store