Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”