Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?