Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

You know…for fall…

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Perfection.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.