the last thing a carrot sees
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
There are no pants in heaven.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.