the last thing a carrot sees
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.