The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.

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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak


[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it


We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.


[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine


It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.


My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.


I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.


Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)