@GoldenSpirals

The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.

You Might Also Like

@bourgeoisalien

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@onion_an

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

@SamDeLanche

We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

@Spaziotwat

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

@Milariou

It’s all fun and games until you notice the “rocket” in your son’s Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

@Chumpstring

My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

@HatfieldAnne

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

@amusedkerching

Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)