Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

You know…for fall…

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.