The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*