The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
how to have fun when you’re poor
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.