The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?