“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos