“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I was bored.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.