“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Customer is always right
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.