Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

yeah 😭

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.