Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

lmao

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…