The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
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I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”