Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Asking the real questions!

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

I cannot stop laughing at this

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?