The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Morning.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.