The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.