The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own