The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
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Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
marvel comics have peaked
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet