The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
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Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
kids play hide and seek like
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters