*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.