Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

Me, sliding glass toward waitress: hit me again

Waitress: you…you want a third milkshake

Me: you heard me

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.