The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You