The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T