Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Me: it sounded longer in my head.