The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

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Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.


Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife


NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*


ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.


The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.


*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*


Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.


I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.


[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.