The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.