Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

No. YOU-buprofen.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.