The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
yea so i messed up lol
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.