The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
😭😭
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here