The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.