Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

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Lmfao

never deleting this app.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

per my last wtf

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”