The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
