Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

NASA has no chill

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..