Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.