the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl