the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
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People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Always…
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.