Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.