angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.
If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.