The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.

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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.


First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what


My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.


Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.


Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.


What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!

Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.


Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.


Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it


Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!