@Neauxpe

The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.

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@PaperWash

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

@cynicanoldicus

I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.

@xeyednpainless

If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

@bwebster76

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’