@Neauxpe

The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.

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@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

@corinnemlwsw

My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.

@kumailn

Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.

@ColoChiver

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@MrAdamBez

What do you mean I’ve had enough to drink?!!

Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

@realfunghi

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

@hermanntrude

Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it

Me:

Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!