Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.