Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

tfw you realize …

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I