My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Aw man, but that’s the best part
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.