The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
🤣
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.