The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
when someone rings the doorbell
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches