Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”