“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.