“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
finally found a reasonable question
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside