“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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marvel comics have peaked
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Breaking news:
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot