“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point