Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Make new friends? bro out of what?

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out