The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?