The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Did I do this right
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.